Monday, November 30, 2009

When you really have too much time on your hands...

Situational analysis:

3 Guys

The Gardens Midvalley

Too much time

Not enough money


This is the formula that was presented to Mark Tan, Maka and myself on Saturday. What are the likely outcomes?

Well, logically we could go look at phones, Apple products, grad a coffee at Starbucks and talk, check out the different stores that are available, you know, logical mall things to do. But what did WE do?

We watched Transformers 2 on Blue Ray in the Sony store for like... half an hour. Then we went to Robinsons and tried to find the most expensive items for sale. The winner? A mattress that cost... wait for it... RM 40,000! I mean COME ON! My CAR is only worth 27k and you people are selling a MATTRESS for 40k? Seriously? The runners up were ( Listed in order of most sensible to downright outrageous) : A crystal center piece priced at RM2,200, a electric Espresso maker priced at RM3,600, an electric mixer priced at RM4,000 and, the piece de resistance? A freaking toaster priced at RM1,500. Why do i find this so ridiculous? Well, because the bread you are putting into it cost at most RM0.30 per slice... For RM1,500 this toaster better turn them into gold man...

So yeah, what we do when we have too much time. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't fun :)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Love < Lust

Taken from Christine's blog in 07. Heh, so long ago... yet more relevant today then ever.

First Corinthians 13 is called the love chapter, and it will help you spot genuine love in a world that's full of the counterfeit. I simply love this chapter.


1. Love is patient.
2. Love is kind.
3. Love does not envy.
4. Love does not boast.
5. Love is not proud.
6. Love is not rude.
7. Love is not self-seeking.
8. Love is not easily angered.
9. Love forgives others.
10. Love hates evil.
11. Love rejoices in the truth.
12. Love always protects.
13. Love always trusts.
14. Love always hopes.
15. Love always perseveres.
16. Love never fails.
17. Love is unending.
18. Love is enduring.
19. Love is faithful.
20. Love is commitment.


1. Lust can't wait; it's impulsive.
2. Lust is critical; it wants it's own way.
3. Lust seeks more than it earns.
4. Lust builds up self no matter who it hurts.
5. Lust is easily threatened.
6. Lust is disrespectful.
7. Lust is demanding.
8. Lust is moody and lashes out.
9. Lust says vengeance is mine.
10. Lust does anything to get its own way; it rationalizes.
11. Lust encourages lies and tries to hide sins.
12. Lust doesn't care who it hurts; it wants it's own way.
13. Lust is jealous and suspicious.
14. Lust says, you blow it, you're out.
15. Lust backs out when times are rough.
16. Lust stops when self isn't served.
17. Lust lasts just a moment then flickers away.
18. Lust is insecure.
19. Lust will cheat on you.
20. Lust is not trustworthy.

I can only pray the I will live more in LOVE then in LUST. It's hard sometimes... when things have been going bad, when I'm depressed, sometimes I live in lust and that is a very dangerous thing. It's easy to fall into sin... easy to make mistakes... easy to hurt people you care about...

I have realized of late that I am in desperate need of God's healing and God's grace and guidance. I need to go back to Him, to run to Him when I am tempted.

"So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet." James 4:7-10, The Message.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7, New Living Translation

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you and develops well-formed maturity in you." Romans 12:1-2, The Message

What else can I say? God's word lines it all up right there for us to see. When Satan comes a-knocking on the door of your heart, turn to the One who has told us that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

I am writing all this because my eyes have been opened. God works in mysterious and sometimes painful ways, and the way He worked this time is going to hurt me for a long time, but I thank Him so much for letting me suffer this because I know, with every fiber of my being, I know that He planned for it to happen and that His ways are above my ways, and because of that... I will come out of this a better man for Him.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A little story...

The rain was cold and sharp as it hit my face.

"Man, could've picked a better time for a walk..." I thought as I walked down the ramp to my apartment complex. "Then again, rain is nice, helps you think."

I continued down the gravel road towards the back gate of my community. Sri Wangsaria, I'd lived here since I was 7, it was familiar, it was comfortable, it was home. So many good memories, a few bad ones too. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave home, to strike out on one's own to find your own means of living, your own life to support. Ah, but that would come in due time, right now life was good.

I was 19, a student, and living with my parents, life was easy. I didn't need to worry about bills, or mortgages, or loans. I was a young man living life in the city of Kuala Lumpur without a care in the world. Life was good.

I splash my way out the gate and down Bangsar Hill towards Telawi street. "Should not have worn slippers..." I mutter as my bare feet get splashed with mud. It was a wet Wednesday evening and I was headed down to Telawi for some dinner. I had chosen to walk because I was trying to lose weight. Being 19 and overweight was not something that I enjoyed. For one, there was the teasing, for another, there was that thing about supposing to be at the peak of physical fitness and all that. So, onward i trudged. As I walked, different thoughts kept coming into my head.

As a lad of 19, the main topics for my day dreams and ponderings were rather predictable. It was either crushes, computer games, football, parents, or college. All of these ran through my head as I walked. I wondered whether I was making the right moves with the girl I fancied, whether she thought something could happen between us, whether I even had a shot, whether it was the right time. I noticed how much I had matured from being the boy who wondered if the girl like him or not, to the young man who looked at the situation more analytically. As I pondered these things my mind drifted to my upbringing. My parents didn't meet in the most romantic means, they actually met in a bar in Holland where my father was working as an oil rig engineer in the North Sea and my mom was a nurse in training. I thought about how unlikely it was that a Malaysian china boy would go to the Netherlands and land himself a beautiful woman. I thought about what was in store for me. If God was able to get my parents together, no matter how ridiculous the notion, He must have something similarly amazing in store for me.

Splash, another puddle, more mud. My train of thought got derailed. I saw a Manchester United crest on the back of a passing car and my mind immediately thought about how much I wanted them to win the Premier League this year and kick Liverpool off their stupid perch. We were level on domestic trophies with them, with both of us holding 18, and one more would dethrone them as the most successful club in England. As I ran through the forms of the different players and what I'd hope they'd be able to accomplish, I reached my destination. Devi's Corner Bangsar, one of the best mamaks around. I sat down and ordered my usual during my weight loss program: "Teh O' ais satu, kurang manis dan Tandoori chicken satu, dada ya." "Wokay boss!" The waiter replied. As I ate, I thought about random things and watched the TV they had. It was showing ads on what they called the "Teh Tarik Channel" I was bemused by the apparent lack of grammar and spell checkers that handled the ads. Did these people actually check for errors? Or did they just read it once and say, "Put it on, we need the money." ? Sometimes the laziness of Malaysian culture really irks me...

So after dinner I continued my walk back up the hill. By now it was getting pretty dark and the street lights were turning on. I saw a Starbucks and thought to myself, "There was a Starbucks just behind Devi's... why do the people up in Starbucks headquarters think that setting up two Starbucks within 2 minutes walk of each other will help them get money?" Then I remembered how lazy the populace had become in this modern age and deemed the decision valid.

Up the hill, water running down the sidewalk into the gutters that were probably filled with rats trying to stay dry and alive. The side of the road had become like a small river, flowing down with leaves floating on top like little ships. I thought about BB, about the place that molded me into the young man I am today. I thought about the people I had met, the friends I made, the things we'd been through, then, as the rain continued to hit my face, I thought of her.

She's only joined in 2007, but she had already made such an impact on the people in the Company, not necessarily in a good way. It's not that I wanted to think about her, it's just that it's hard not to after all that's happened between us. I mean, before she arrived, everything was pretty simple. She complicated things. I became stupid around her. I did things that I wouldn't usually do. What annoyed me the most was that I just couldn't way no. She was my kryptonite. All guys have a kryptonite and she was mine. I thought I was in love, I told myself I was. Then, everything came crashing down. My lofty palace of hope was smashed. My naive heart broken. It was no one's fault but my own. You don't get the privilege of blame when you deceive yourself. I had tricked myself into believing there was hope for her and I. Told myself that it could work, that all that was needed was time. And now I had to suffer because of it. But I wasn't alone in my suffering, I was not the only one that she had hurt. When my world was damaged and my ego bruised, someone else's was destroyed. My other friend was is much more pain then I was, she had lost more then I had. I had lost a glimmer of hope and a chance of nothing, she lost trust and confidentiality. Her secrets exposed to those who didn't need to know them. So, I suppressed my pain and set out to make it my "mission" to help her recover. And now, nine months on, the wounds have not fully healed. It's still sore, it still hurts. Heartbreak is a fickle thing. It only takes a second to happen, but months and sometimes years to heal. But at least now I had moved on, I was well on the path to recovery.

I almost trip over a crack in the sidewalk that jars me back into reality. Home was only 5 minutes away. The rain had slowed considerably by now, and was barely a light drizzle. I turned my attention from that depressing topic and began to softly sing to myself as I walked through the front gate to Sri Wangsaria.

Life has a funny way of coming full circle, just like my walk. We leave the world as we entered it, naked. We go to school just to get a degree to get a job, which we need to get money, which we use to raise our families, so that we can send our kids to school and restart the whole damn cycle again. But sometimes something happens that slaps us in the face and wakes us up from that boring routine. What is that something? I don't really know, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss it =)

Sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s too late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come
We could make a feast from these crumbs
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would’ve done

Well if you plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out of our lives
So when we long for absolution, there’ll be no one on the line

Yeah… gotta start
Looking at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin’ it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day
To turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em while we got the chance to say,
Gotta live like we’re dying

Kris Allen - Live Like We're Dying

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Wow, has it really been that long?

I just noticed the date on my last post and I am shocked. Has it really almost been 2 months?

Ok updates on stuff time!


Ah BB, my one true love XD. So things have been going ON in BB. Mmm mmm hmmm, lotsa new things happening. Biggest thing happening is that Esther is being promoted =D. Not yet la, but soon. As of now she's just acting Captain. Other then that, we had Awards day *W00T W00T*. This year's Awards day wasn't as exciting as my previous awards days, mainly because I wasn't up for promotion... well... I was, but i humbly declined coz I want my president's badge =D so I will be appointed to the post of W/O next year after PESTA. Most probably. The people whom I thought would get promoted did, and some whom I didn't did too, but that's another story for another day :) ask me personally la kay ^_^. SO! Yup, Awards day was cool, as it always is. After Awards day, we had SPW. Not exactly after la, but two weeks later XD. We had some leadership training from Mdm Angie and reviewed 2009 and planned for 2010. It's always nice to hang out with the officers, some of them can be really fun and funny XD Mr. Roland is awesome XD. So, by the end of SPW all the officers were given jobs, mine is to be Band Co-Officer with Mr. Richard and to be Officer in Charge of worship. So I gots me 2 posts to look at, thank GOD for the NCOs that will be under me whom I can delegate jobs to hehehe >=3

Personal Life

Nothing much has changed in 2 months for me personally XD. College started again for me, but it's only on Sunday so my weekdays are still bloody free. Now, all of you who have school and college everyday and all that are like "Yeeeeer! So lucky! No need to go school all! Stay at home and relek oni!!!" THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! After about 3-4 months of doing nothing and bumming around, you get sick of it. You just wanna go and DO something. So, I am currently looking for a part time job to earn some money and have something to do :/ Oh yeah, I also got a new car =P a Kia Spectra Novus 1.6(A) Goodbye useless Perodua Kembara, you were a car, but barely even that XD

So yeah, hopefully it won't be another 2 months before I update again =P and I will try to update on some random things that happen to me or whatever, just to mix it up a bit =D

So that's an overview of my life

Friday, September 4, 2009

Life update

Ok, enough of the post that have nothing to do with me XD

I shall now update you all on my life, however boring you may perceive it to be XD.


I have been bumming for almost a year now and I am sick of it. Yup, sick of having nothing to do waiting for my dad to find something for me to do that I don't enjoy. So as of October I will most probably be going back to College to finish my Bachelors in Business Management. I wanted to go to HELP to do A Bachelors in Science majoring in Electronic Games and Interactive Media, but my stupid HND and ADBS are not recognized here =.= So I am now forced to go to complete my Bachelors in Business, which I find kinda boring... But I don't have a choice. Looking on the bright side, I'll have a degree when I'm 20 so... not too bad :D


Still a SSGT, still got lots of responsibilities. I'm current;y taking PT badgeclass with Eunice and preparing for Awards Night and stuff. I just came back from being a site administrator for ANTS and had a good time watching the future leaders in the Boys' Brigade learn how to be better at leading. It was interesting to see them go through the course and see what they could learn. Also, I learned that officers of the Boys' Brigade know how to have fun XD all except a certain sei fei poh XD

Personal Life:

Still single, still being content, still looking, still praying. I have come to realize through the past year that love, no matter what form of it, is special. Really special. From the love between friends to the love of a husband to his wife, all forms of love are special. I may not have anyone to show Eros (romantic) love to at the moment, but I have so many people that I can show Philia (brotherly) love to. All my friends who have been with me through so much, as I have been there for them. So, as far as my personal life goes, I'm content with the way it is :)

Well, that's the short update on me, will post more on it as time goes by and things, as they tend to so often do, change.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My personality test

Ok, so I was just checking out blogs when I found this on Daryl's blog. I took the test and these are my results, you tell me if that sounds like me XD.

Social Realist Social Realist

Social Realists are popular persons full of energy. They are reliable, well organized and helpful. Traditional values are important to them. Founding a family also plays a central role in their life. Social Realists have a marked social streak. They are always ready to listen to the worries and problems of others and spare no effort when they are asked for help. With empathy and understanding, they can sense what other people need. Social Realists are always willing to highly regard the strong points of the other person and to excuse that person’s weaknesses. They are the most sociable of all personality types. Social contacts are very important to them.

Social Realists find it very difficult to cope with conflicts and criticism - harmony is their elixir of life. Acknowledgement and esteem are very important to this type. Differentiation on the other hand is not necessarily one of their strong points. At work and in partnerships, they are loyal, committed and always there when needed. They find it easy to make friends due to their open, warm manner and they have a large circle of friends. In love, they are faithful and attentive and care for their partners with a great deal of imagination and sensitivity. Social Realists show their feelings openly and honestly. Should a relationship break up, they tend to blame themselves. That is why they find it very difficult to end a partnership even if it has not fulfilled their requirements for some time.

Social Realists are more conservative types. They have a set system of values and rules which is orientated to the prevailing traditions. They prefer clear, structured surroundings and work processes; they find too much change und unrest unpleasant. Their strong points are carefulness and reliability and not so much flexibility and spontaneity. Social Realists are open-minded towards anything new only to a limited extent. But, should one be looking for someone to fulfil a task reliably and exactly, they are the right persons.

Adjectives which describe your type: extroverted, practical, sentimental, planning, emotional, temperamental, energetic, tradition-conscious, loyal, helpful, devoted, reliable, caring, objective, thorough, organised, warm-hearted, open, friendly, sociable, chummy, obliging, self-sacrificing, public-spirited, sensitive, kind, demanding

Social Realist: Love Social Realist: Love

No other type is as loving, attentive, and committed a partner as you. Many authors describe your type as the most personable and endearing of all: caring, sensitive, and always making sure that others are comfortable in your presence. For you, investing a lot in your relationship, and totally committing yourself to another person goes without saying. You enjoy assuming responsibilities, and that applies to your partnership, as well. When you encounter hic-ups in your relationship, the first things you look for are ways to change yourself.

You were born with the need to take care of the person you love most - to the best of your ability - and to do everything to make him/her comfortable. You create a comfortable home with the feeling of security and intimacy for both of you. To please and surprise your partner, you have an astounding sense for sharing small and frequent signs of your love. Your antenna for his/her needs is almost eerie, and sometimes you almost trip over yourself with eagerness when it is important to you to meet his/her needs. In the long run, your own needs are frequently neglected when you have a partner who prefers taking over, or who does not care for you as sensitively as you care for him/her.

Any partner is going to be overwhelmed by your sensitive and exuberant nature. Because you often like to talk about things close to your heart you are not stingy with compliments and assurances of your love. You are the most emotional and passionate of the Realists. The power of your feelings often carries you away. With you, this is not just lip service because you also prove your love with deeds. Whoever is with you can always rely on you. Your fidelity and loyalty toward your partner are extraordinary and unshakeable. Comparative studies have often indicated that Social Realists lead the list of the sixteen types in the durations of their marriages. For you, a relationship represents a life-long obligation; you don’t enter into it lightly and expect stability and reliability from your partner, as well. If you are disappointed, it hurts you even more than any other of the personality types.

So yeah... that's what the test said about me XD you should try it ;)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Plain white awesomeness...


So I've been listening to a lot of F.O.B and Plain White Ts lately. And there are somethings I noticed about them.

A) They're both freaking AMAZING bands
B) They both have weird ass titles to their songs. ( I mean... the Disloyal order of Water Buffalos? Headfirst slide into Coopestown on a bad bet?! Friends don't let friends dial drunk?)
C) They both ahve some seriously deep songs... seriously

So I have been pretty much encased in a F.O.B/ Plain White Ts bubble of songs lately.
One song in particular from Plain White Ts has been particularly interesting to me. The title of that song is "Hate ( I Really Don't Like You)" and it goes a little something, like-a dis:

You were everything I wanted.
You were everything a girl could be.
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around
And you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word.
But I really really really don't like you.

I really don't like you.

Thought that everything was perfect
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around
And you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you

Now that it's over you can't hurt me
Now that it's over you can't bring me down

Oh... oh... oh... oh oh oh oh oh
Oh... oh... oh... oh oh oh oh oh

All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love


Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you
(I really don't like you)
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
(Liked about you)
Brought you around
And you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you

Oh... oh... oh... oh oh oh
I really don't like you
Oh... oh... oh... oh oh oh
I really don't like you
Oh... oh... oh... oh oh oh
I really don't like you
Oh... oh... oh... oh oh oh

Monday, July 27, 2009


Hehehe, Go watch. My church friends and me rocking out for Jesus during a charity concert for Rev. Peter Chin. Enjoy!

Monday, July 13, 2009


Happy birthday me...

I don't believe in planning your own party. When you celebrate something, it means you love it or admire it or respect it. So if someone planned their own birthday, it seems kind of vain to me. I mean, not that I don't love myself, I do, but planning your own birthday party seems a bit sad don't you think? If you have to plan your own birthday party it means that no one else took some time to do it for you, which doesn't seem like such a big thing to expect seeing as you only get 1 birthday a year.

When you plan someone else's birthday party, you are telling the person that you care enough to think about how to make them happy on their special day. It shows that you wanted to spend time with them and be together on the day they were born. It's symbolic and meaningful.

What I'm trying to say is that I didn't plan anything this year for my birthday. Honestly I don't feel that this is a special day anyway, it goes by like any other day of the year so I treat it like any other day of the year.

Though it is nice to get wished by almost everyone you know.

So, Happy Birthday me...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Life moves on without us

Well, life has a funny way of correcting itself. Or should I say GOD has an amazing way of making things work for His glory ^_^

I gots me a job in a restaurant, it's called Chili Espresso and it is in Sooka Sentral across from KL Central station. I'm working in the kitchen helping out with things like setting up plates and cutting chicken XD. It's a pretty ok job but it can get pretty tiring when rush hour comes.

So, I have been doing alright. Not everything worked out how I wanted, not everyone had the same thoughts I did, but that is how it always is isn't it?

We all have pre-decided thoughts about others that we are almost certain are true, but then we find out they're not. We think we know something but we don't. It annoys me how we humans think we're so smart and we can figure everything out. There are some mysteries and some things that don't make sense to us, and we gotta live with it.

Honestly I am one of those people who hate things that don't make sense. There must be a reason for something, or else I write it off as bullshit. But... sometimes people are not sensible, they do things that don't make sense. This is how life is. Learn to live with it.

I'm glad things worked out for you, and that you are happy now. I can't really say for certain that I am happy that it turned out the way it did between us. I thought I was ok, but in the end I wasn't. I thought that by doing what I did, I was strong, I was macho or something. But I realize now that I was a pussy. I was running away from a confrontation, which was what YOU were doing and which was why what happened happened. If you were just not afraid of confrontation and sucked in your pride and fear and just TOLD us, things might have been so much better. But life has this stupid way of screwing us over and that is exactly what happened to us. But, I am also really glad I had the guts to go and sit down and talk to you. I don't know how you really feel, like you said, some peoples words are supposed to speak louder then their actions. I honestly think that is nonsense. But... if that is how you are and how you live your life, then as a friend I have to accept that.

Life moves on, and sometimes we're left behind in the dust...


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Problems again...

Being back home... sucks at times.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a battle.

Torn between three sides... Mine, and two other people's.

I have my own things and problems... I want to be free of this.

I care about you, I do and I hope you know that, I do know how much pain you went through and how betrayed and hurt you felt. I have tried so hard to make you forget the pain and just be happy, I have done my best to show you that us guys are as horrible and stupid as some have made you think. But apparently I failed, so what does that say about me?

What does it say about the guy who, even while trying to make guys look good, made the look the same, didn't make an impact. What does it say about the guy who tried for 2 years to show some girl that he loved her, only to lose the battle in a month? What does it say about me?

Sigh... I wanna go back to the Doulos... where all I had to worry about was waking up on time for morning shift or getting things ready for an E-day... I miss it so much. The carefree feeling of being where God is really King over all, none of these problems and feelings to disrupt me from Him. Josh... Dude... If you're reading this... I need your prayers man... and anyone else who cares to pray for me... I am in a hard spot emotionally right now, the low that you get after coming back from a missions fields and you get home to all the problems of the world...

Sigh... what does that say of me? ;(


Monday, May 25, 2009


Well, I'm home.

I have been for about a week now...

Not much has changed...

That is both a good and a bad thing...

I'm trying to be more of a good influence on those I know, more Christlike in my walk and talk... but it is hard when all the problems you see and try to fix keep getting bigger and less easy to solve...

I miss the Doulos... I miss not having to worry about all these problems, I miss the peace that I had on board that God blessed vessel.

I miss my friends... Josh, Karl, Jen, Mike, Gerard, Brittany, I miss you guys a lot...

Well, I'm home, and I have a lot of work to do. Pray for me guys!

Love is undefinable and undeniable,


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.

And even though I am on a ship away from home, I took time today to call my lovely mother and tell her how much I love her. And now here I have a short poem for her.

You brought me into the world,
You taught me how to live,
And now there is so much that,
I would like to give.

Your helping hand was always there,
To show me the right way,
It is because of your love and grace,
I'm who I am today.

I love you oh so much,
You're the only woman in my life,
Well at least that is until,
I meet my lovely wife!

I love you Albertje Stel, AKA Aly Cheah, AKA My Mama!

Love from your eldest son,

Ian Cheah

Monday, May 4, 2009

The end... it is near...


I know... not a very good way to start a post but still. SIGH!

Man oh man, my STEP is almost over! Time just flew by! I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME YET!!! :'(

I mean, not that I don't miss home, I do. But i mean, I feel as if I just started getting used to all this. I feel as if the Doulos life has started to grow on me. I finally got a good rhythm going... AND THEY'RE SENDING ME HOME?!?!

*this is where you insert a picture of me with a very confused angry faise... if you know what a confused angry faise looks like... try and imagine it here coz I don't have a pic :P*

Sigh... gonna miss all my friends... Josh Choi, Mike Young, Karl Hoopman, Hannah Sanders, My whole shift... actually ALL the catering people... they're like, so totally AWESOME!

Yeah... I sound like I'm going home already... but I still have 11 days. But on this ship, that's nothing. I still have my 4 day overnight coming up on the 8th and STEP outing on the same day too but... I feel that the end is very, very much nigh my friends... and it will be a sad end for me...

Love you so much you don't even know...

Ian Cheah

P.S. To all who actually wrote me some e-mails, thank you :) It's soooooooo great to open my inbox and see a farmiliar name there :) thanks you so much! :3

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Work work work

Aight mah homies!

Some people have been talking to me and know about how hard I have been working on the ship, but this is for those of you who haven't been talking to me... You see? Even though you have no time for me back home in comfy Malaysia, I still have time to tell you about my life her on board the crazy busy MV Doulos. sigh, I so nice to you XD

Anyway, for the last week my work schedule has been insane ok. on Tuesday we had another Partnership Dinner, that means work from 3 to 11. Then we had afternoon shift from 12.30 to 8.45. This was a particularly HORRIBLE shift. I was tired, I was irritable and so was everyone else... Bad day. We all seemed to be at each other's throats. Somehow it remined me of a BB camp I once had XD.

Anyway, that was unpleasant. Then next day was morning shift, up at 5.30 done at 2. These are usually the bast shifts coz you get off early and can go out with friends and stuff. But this one was a disappointment. Finished work, and no one was free, so took a nap and woke up at dinner =.=

I tell you I have never appreciated naps as much as I do now man. Like, every chance I get I take a nap... seriously. We work so hard and sometimes it get's really tiring so, sleep is VERY VERY important. Back home I slept like from 2am to 8am or something and I could still be pretty energetic. But HERE! I have not slept later then 1am and that was when I was chatting XP but I had afternoon shift so I could sleep longer.

Working on this ship is a real challenge sometimes. People don't seem to appreciate us galley slaves and dishwallas. We work our butts off so that they have good food to eat and clean plates and cutlery to eat it with. And what do they do? They don't listen to rules, they waste food, the give us cups that are FULL to clean... that's just nasty yo...

Sigh, life in the catering department is not as glamorous as I have made it seem :(

Oh well, the only thing that makes me have a cheerful dispossition about all this is that I am working for God's glory. I serve the people that serve Him. I do all this so that they can do their jobs too. It is such a good feeling when you finish and you think," Man, I fed over 350 people 2 times today... and they all work for the glory of our Lord..." It makes you feel so... blessed to be a part of it.

Even though work is hard here, I love it and I can so see myself doing it for like... 2 years.

Hehehe, I'm planning on coming back onboard as a project worker when the ship comes to Malaysia, anyone else wanna join me? It'll probably be in September.

OK! That's all for now. Til next time.

I loves you guyses!!!

Ian Cheah

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Laptop Sadness :(

Mah laptop is borked...

The screen apparently is not connected or broken all together...

I am going to see if I can get it fixed in the city later today but... I'm not sure I have to money for it :'(

If it is broken I will not be online as much. I will be updating less and I will not be able to upload anything off my phone because the program was on my laptop.

Please pray that it can be fixed :(

Friday, April 17, 2009



I finally got enough time and bandwith to post up my pictures :3

They're on Facebook nao!

Go and see and comment!


Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Hey yeah... sorry I haven't posted for so long guys, been pretty busy and stuff here in Kaohsiung.

Anyway here's a quick update from me.

We arrived in Kaohsiung on the 3rd. It was a huge relief coz the waves on the voyage were killer man, at least 7 meter waves, I kid you not. There was even on 15 meter one that seriously rocked the ship. I got video proof that you can all see when i get back home or Facebook decides to freaking work =.=

Speaking of Facebook, I'm trying to upload some of my pictures there for you guys to see, but I have no idea when I can fully accomplish that with the internet in the state it's in and my laptop being as slow as it is. No promises, but I'm aiming for the end of the week :/

Aight, Kaohsiung.

This place is pretty cool, like Malaysia except everyone only speaks Mandrin. As a result, my Mandrin is improving slightly and the stuff I learned back in STD 1 seems to be coming back to me XD.

I've been keeping well, work is as usual. Nothing spectacular happening. Lead my STEP groups bible study today. Everyone said I did a good job. I think I did. I've been trying to read my Bible more often now. Been doing ok with it.

I'm still going for boxing practice with Jarrko. I think my muscles are etting more used to it as they don't ache as much. I can do 50 sit ups before I start to hurt so... yeah I'm improving :D
We still have Ironman competitions in the cabin XD. What an Ironman competition is is that one guy does one push-up then the other, then he does 2 and then the other guy, so when you reach 3 you've actually done 6 and when you reach 5 you've done 15. My record is 12 so... you count la XD

Yeah, that's my update. I will update you on more when it happens.

I love you all very much ^_^

Ian Cheah

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I'm sailiiiiing away~

Yo, hi, hello, ohaiyo, guden tag, hey, sup... yeah

OK so... 5 days haven't posted, miss me? Probably not XD.

So anyway, we're sailing nao... We left Manila at 11 and have been sailing to Taiwan for... 8 hours now. So far it's been pretty smooth, nothing too rough. I'm not sea sick yet but, Jin is XD.

Poor guy threw up his lunch after like an hour XD. We're all teasing him about it but he knows we love him hehe.

So... lots going on back home I here, a lot of it quiet disappointing I must say. Some people doing things that I do not approve of, some people being emo too much. Come on la guys, LIGHTEN UP!


Hehehe, felt like doing that XD so random

So yeah sailing now. I made some videos of sunset... super nice, I wanna post them here but i don't know how :( Someone teach me pls.

All day shift was horrible. Worked from 7am to 8pm... was so tired. We had a 1 hour break from 4 to 5. Me and Tae ran back to the cabin to nap. I set my alarm, stuck in me headphones, turned on some music and passed out. My alarm rang and 4.50, I didn't hear it... so we ended up going back at 5.20 XD but no one cared coz they knew how tired we were.

Today was 3 shift. That means we do cleaning or organizing around the catering department. Today we were doing inventory in the Food Store. It's like a big food closet la. There are 3 freezers too. Me and Tae had to count all the freaking frozen meat, vegies, cheese and chocolates... Took forever just to find the darn things. We were so cold coz the freezers are set at like... -15 celsius so we were wearing jackets. We looked like we were going to Alaska XD.

But it was good in the end, free chocolate and Coke XD.

Man the sunset on the ship out on the Philipine sea was amazing la... I wish I could have shared it with some one... Oh wait! I did! With...

FUMIE-CHAN! hahaha

She randomly came up to me and we just sat there and watched the sunset XD

Ahhhh... today was pretty good. Soon we'll be in Taiwan, on Thursday I think. I'll have broadband in my cabin so... WOOOPEEE!! Hahaha.

Aight, going to go back to my cabin now to hang out with mah peeps!

Ciao guys!

And remember, God loves you and so do I :D

Ian Cheah

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Wheee! Hi again!

Today I shall be bringing you from the MV Doulos, the first pictures from the ship! Now, these are special pictures because this event only happens ONCE every port... And I was lucky enough to be in the ONLY shift that does it!

What is this magical event you ask? Why, it the PARTNERSHIP DINNER of course!

The Partnership Dinner or PD as we call it, is a event where we invite all the ship's supporters in a certain port to come and have a fancy dinner onboard with live music and testimonies and stuff. So this is indeed something big. The food is not like the normal food onboard, no no, it's specially made for the dinner, and it looks and tastes a WHOLE lot better XD.

OK! Here goes... I'm gonna try and get some pictures up!


Me and Fumie-Chan with the vegies!

The raw fish, before baking

The food all put together and served, yummy looking no?


The dessert! O.O

The dessert after sauce and berries are added... even better now...

As part of the catering staff, we were all allowed to eat the food that was left over, as in, not taken out. We cooked and prepared for 160 people, 96 showed up so... :D

Before partaking of this chocolate heaven

During the bliss of enjoying this chocolate heaven

The sad realization that this heaven was but for a moment


Ah... it was a good thing :) I enjoyed working together with my shift, we're all pretty ammusing people and we each have our own quirks and attributes. The galley is where it is AT yo...

Oh, one last thing before I go.


OK OK, I gotta go to work nao. BYE!

Love you all lots and lots ^_^

Ian Cheah



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Off day and Galley

Aight yo.

So yesterday was off day. relaxation time.

Yeah... we relax by going to the mall!

So Chris, Tae, Jin and I went to this really big mall in Manila called the SM Mall of Asia. This place is pretty big man. Like bigger then 1-U. We went bowling and played Tekken 6 and some pool. It was fun la. Good to get to know these guys better and bond as fellow STEPPERs. So yeah... had fun. Me and Tae had an eating contest XD. Who could eat 2 burgers the fastest. Obviously, I won XD.

Today though was a pretty interesting day. This was the first day that Jin would not be working with me and Tae. Previously we worked in a combination of 2 shifts, shift 2 and shift 3. Me and Tae are in shift 2 and Jin is in shift 3. But today we all got into our proper shifts. Tae and I had afternoon shift form 12.30 to 8 and Jin had morning shift from 5 to 2. SAo we were seperated for the first time. Another thing that changed was my work place. I am now, and for the rest of this week, gonna be working in the GALLEY. This is the place where all the food on Doulos is prepared and cooked. So it involves a lot of cutting and peeling of vegetables and meat. Today alone, I cut myself like... 3 times. OK... not so bad la, Tae cut me once XD. But today was fun, got to do something different and work with different people from my shift.

To answer your question, no Ethan we dont have those particular drinks here. We have mango, orange and pinapple. The mango is by far the best though... thick like real mango juice. Orange may be the worst of the lot... super sweet or super tasteless. Pinapple is ok, neither really good nor really bad.

So far we haven't really had anything increadably interesting happen here on board. It's been pretty routine and no unexpected things happened. Well, we did run out of fresh water for maybe an hour... but that wasn't really bad. And we also got our toilet clogged in 210... but the Accom Angels came and those sweet girls got everything sorted.

Speaking of sweet girls, how is everyone back home? Haven't seen many of you online. Been wanting to talk to you guys. I'll be online pretty often now that I got my laptop up and running. E-mail me or MSN me, I've been updating you guys on stuff happening here, it'd be nice to hear from you :)

Aight... that's about it. Tomorow we have partnership dinner and I'll be helping out in the galley preparing all the fancy food for all the supporters the Doulos has in Manila so... FUN TIEMZZZ! XD

Til we meet again.

Love you always,

Ian Cheah

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Of Dishes and Soap...


Tomorow is my free day...

I am so freaking happy XD

I've been working in the pantry for the past 3 days.

2 afternoon shifts and one morning shift.

The afternoon shifts run from 12.30pm to 8pm. During this time we have to set up the food line, set out the dishes, cutlery and mugs, fill the juice containers and get ready for lunch la... During lunch we have to make sure there is enough food for everyone... which is fast paced when there are 350 people eating and you gotta keep the meat, cheese and bread filled. Then we gotta wash the dishes... The dishes are pretty easy to wash.. it's just there are a lot of them... so... takes a while. Took me 2 and a half hours today. Other then taht we gotta wash the mugs, clean the tables, vaccum the floor, and clean up the mess where the deckies and engine guys eat... coz they're MESSY, get it XD

Oh man I miss being lame...

ANYWAY. After today's shift Jin (An American Korea dude that's in my STEP group) and I went for boxing lessons with this Finnish guy called Jarkkob. This guy is insane man. He's crazy strong and can punch like his hand was powered by a hydrolic pump. Anyway he trained us pretty hard... my hands are actually shaking while typing this coz my muscles are all weak XD.

Sigh... dreamed of BB last night... miss it la... Saturday wasn't the same la...

Oh well, gotta go now... otherwise I could get caught by night watch and get a pink slip XD.

I will most probably write again tomorow. In the mean time, E-MAIL MEE!!!!


Lots of Love,

Ian Cheah



Thursday, March 19, 2009



Hey you guys! I'm blogging from Manila, Philipines on board the MV Doulos!

I'm a STEPPER here on board and have just finished my orientation today. I'm assigned to the Galley (that's what the kitchen is called on the ship) so that will involve lots of cleaning and cutting vegetables and stuff...

I'm staying in a big cabin with 9 other guys, one is even 54 years old! I've made a few friends already and am getting used to living on board this floating bookstore. Our cabin is located at the bottom of the ship, literally. We're so low, if the anchor goes down, our whole room shakes... Our room number is 210, so we call it "210 the STEPPER's Den".

I've met so many people from so many nations in just 3 days that my head is spinning... South Korea, South Africa, Switzerland, countless Dutch guys, Philipinos, and yes, even a few Malaysians. My "Little Big Brother" is Malaysian, from Subang actually. His name's Jonathan Koh. I call hinm my "Little Big Brother" because he's my ship Big Bro... but in like 2 times taller and bigger then him XD.

My STEP group is pretty cool. We got people from Canada, the US, The Netherlands, The Philipines, Singapore, South Korea, Ireland, Hong Kong... yeah and Malaysia too.

I'll be available on MSN and E-mail. I'll try to get on in the evenings at around 6 or 7 so... If you're online we can chat a bit. But my schedule will be really hectic so if anything E-mail me and I'll send you one the next time I can.

My Ship e-mail is

That may change as I think I want my first name to be there so... It could become but I dunno yet. If it does I'll add a post here.

So... That's all for now I guess... Will be posting more as things develope. Please send me as many e-mails as you want, keep me updated on what you guys are doing, BB things, anything you want to talk to me about :)

Love you all so so so so so much and miss you all the bits,

STEPPER Ian Cheah,

Friday, March 13, 2009

My last cry...

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else

Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do

But have one last cry


One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time

Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry


I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone

Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry


One last cry, before I leave it all behind

I've gotta put you outta my mind this time

Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on

And on.....

I'm gonna dry my eyes

Right after I had my

One last cry


One last cry, before I leave it all behind

I've gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time

Been living a lie I guess I'm down

I guess I'm down

I guess I'm down...

To my last cry...

One Last Cry - Brian McKnight

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Good Job

I hope you're happy.

You've probably lost 2 friends who loved you very much at one point in time.

I hope you're happy.

You've hurt us in a way no one else could.

I hope you're happy.

Your secrets tore us apart inside and now we're left urt and bleeding.

I hope you're happy.

I'm probably never going to be the same.

I hope you're happy.

She's dead to you now.

I hope





Monday, March 2, 2009


Isn't it weird...

How so many people can hurt you...

And push you around...

And tell you that you're useless and pathetic...

And yet...

You get up and move on...

Fighting through the pain...

Growing stronger...

But then there is one person...

Who makes you think that they care...

Who makes you feel loved...

Feel happy...


And you're captivated...

You are totally in love with them...

You will move heaven and earth to be with that person...

And then they change on you in the blink of an eye...

They act as if you're no one...

You don't matter...

No matter how much you do to show you love them...

No matter how many times you try to tell them...

They don't care...

And this cuts you like no knife could...

You feel like just crawling into bed and crying your eyes out...

Nothing stops the pain...

It's like getting cut again and again...

You feel so weak...

So helpless...

How could one person do this to you?

The buttons on my phone are worn thin
I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.
But I've broken all my promises to you
I've broken all my promises to you.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?

A phrasing that's a single tear,
It's harder than I ever feared
And you were left feeling so alone.
Because these days aren't easy
Like they have been once before
These days aren't easy anymore.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?

I should've known this wasn't real
And fought it off and fought to feel
What matters most? Everything
That you feel while listening to every word that I sing.
I promise you I will bring you home
I will bring you home.

Why - Secondhand Serenade

Friday, February 20, 2009

Living is Simple

Mweh~, I was boreded =3

1. Put your MP3 on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.

My Surrender - Steven Curtis Chapman

Let it Roll - Secondhand Serenade (OMG YES! XD)

I Gotta Find You - Jonas Brothers ( =.='' )

Bim Bam Smash - The Bourne Supremacy OST

Take My Life and Let It Be - Cris Tomlin ( ^_^ )

Holy Diver - Killswitch Engaged ( 0.o )

One Girl Army - Five Iron Frenzy
(A one girl army would so kick ass)

WHAT IS 2+2?
Carrot Juice is Murder - The Arrogant Worms

Title of the Song - DaVinci's Notebook
(If you know the song you'd laugh)

Lovers in Japan - Coldplay (*cough* *cough*)

Island in the Sun - Weezer
(ah, beach bumming XD)

Dance Inside - The All-American Rejects

Rock You Like A Hurricane - Scorpions
(OK! THIS is seriously messed up >.<)

Innocence - Kenny G
(I doubt this very, very much)

Feeling Good - Michael Buble
(That is most definately how I will be feeling ^_^)

Only Hope - Switchfoot
(He is)

War Within a Breathe - Rage Against the Machine
(*breathes in*)

I'm Only Me When I'm With You - Taylor Swift
(pfft, not true)

It's Over - Nickelback
(OH NOES :'( )

Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
( Could be worse actually... )

Into the Ocean - Andy McKee
( I guess this ties up with the Holy Diver thing? 0.o )

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Norah Jones
(*lol* you can't go over a rainbow *teehee*)

Refector - Planetshakers
(the sunlight makes me cry XD)

Everything In It's Time - Corrine May
( Perfect match heh )

Guerrilla Radio - Rage Against the Machine

I Wanna Hold Your Hand - The Beatles

Maybe - Secondhand Serenade
(why got 2 times same band ah... so lame la my shuffle)

Can't Get Away - Third Eye Blind

Living Is Simple - Switchfoot
(again... double times =.=)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Bah HUMBUG... or not...

Valentine's Day...

This is a pretty messed up occasion as it causes emotions in everyone. These emotions can be good or they can be bad.

For the "unavailable" this is a time of romance and togetherness with your significant other. A time to rekindle or restore the fire of passion that may have dwindled or become smaller through the passage of time. A time of choclates, flowers and lovey-dovey cards.

For the single but looking, it is a time to ask that one person you've been eyeing or chasing to be your valentine. A special title given to the one that has been chosen to be specially treated or told how much they mean to you. A time to maybe start a relationship that will last a lifetime and result in a loving and tender marriage. A time to risk it all for that one person you like or perhaps, maybe, even love.

Then you have the people who just think it's a day of mourning that they are alone and without hope. A time of emo-ing and moping. A time where you dispise the members of the opposite sex more then any other day of the year. There may be many reasons for this. Previous hurts, unappealing image, or maybe you just don't give a flying flapjack about love or relationships. A time where you sit at home alone and laugh at other's pathetidc attempts to try and achieve something that you think is impossible and useless.

And yet... through this time of mixed emotions, there is also something about Valentine's day that just makes everyone appreciate the one's they have right now. Their parents, siblings, friends. All of these people who are there for them all year round, regardless of what heart-bearing, choclate-scoffing occasion comes along. These are your true valentines. The ones always there for you. The ones you can count on to be there for you at 3am after a painful fight or a break-up. The ones who tell you you matter to them.

So, on this day, I may not be in category 1, with a lover to cherish and lavish with gifts and blow my life savings on. I may not be in category 3, hating this day and everything it stands for. I may possible be in category 2, but that's something that a lot of guys my age are in =P But no matter what category I am in, I will always remember the people who are there for me all year round.

Will you be my valentines? =3

I love you <3


Sunday, February 1, 2009


Ever seen a group of termites eat a piece of rotting wood? They swarm around it till it looks as if the wood is alive and moving and withing moments there's nothing left but splinters and sawdust.

That's what jealousy is like, it eats away at you. It covers everything and just chews away until you're nothing left but mulch. That's how I feel right now.

I know it's not right, I know I should be "happy for you". But I'd be lying if I said I truly was. It's not something that I will be able to take lightly. I don't hold it against you, you've got your own life to live, who the hell am I to tell you how to live it. Who the hell am I to you?

Everyone loves a compliment. That is a fact. Have you ever complimented someone and have them reject it? Since everyone loves compliments, we should be giving them out a lot more often don't you think? I do. That's why I try to tell you how much you mean to me, how much the things you've done for me are appreciated, no matter how small. I try, and if I have missed anything I'll tell you now

I am really grateful for you. For who you are to me and for what you've done for me. You have definitely become someone that I treasure and never want to lose. Thinking of how when you go off to study, somewhere out there in this big world, you may never come back to Malaysia, I just wanna cry sometimes, I have. You're one of my true gems of friends.

I <3 you =3

But, you have you're own life, with other friends, all of whom seem to rank above me. Call me oversensitive or whatever but this is how it seems. Many have criticized me and told me I should just let it go, but that never helps. It's like they say you know, the ones you want to be there the most are never there for you. Depressing as it may be, I do try not to let it affect me. I do try to smile and go on. Shrug off the disappointment and the let-downs and just run with it. ^_^ see? Everyone loves compliments. No one likes to be pulled down or insulted. No matter who they are, how tough the seem, how much they don't seem to care, irregardless of the amount of times they have been insulted, it still hurts. Everyone loves compliments, so here's one for you:
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
But now it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Somewhere beyond the sea...

Someone I love once said, "The brightest stars burn out the fastest." To which I so dashingly replied, "Well then YOU are a very dim star." She didn't understand this at first so I explained it as follows.

If the brightest stars burn out the fastest, then it would be logical to assume that the dim ones may burn a lot longer right? So, that being my logic, if you are a dim star, you will burn longer then all the bright ones. Sure you may not be as pretty or as impressive, but you're still a star. A celestial light that helps beautify the night sky. You may not be the star that people will look at and say, "That there star shall be named Awesome-o! Because it is so bright and awesome!" But you're still a star. And when "Awesome-o" and all the other bright stars have burned out, you will still be there, a dim, wonderful star, twinkling in the vast, dark void of space.

So yeah, stars.

Then why the title of this post referring to the sea? Well, therein lies another story, my friends.

Through life we may find ourselves infatuated with someone. I say infatuated because when we find someone we love, we don't let them go. We marry them. SO! That being the case I say infatuated with. SO yea, in life we may become infatuated with someone. We being the naive human fleshlings that we are, may say it's love, may justify why we are "made for" this person, but in the end, it's still infatuation.

I have been infatuated. Oohohoho, have I ever been infatuated! I remember back in 2005, I was "in love" with this girl. I thought she was my everything, my life, my baby. I tried to give her everything she wanted and make her happy. I never wanted to let her go. Infatuation has a way of messing with a guy's mind you see. Hormones and all that. SO, being the 15-16 year old nublet that I was, I thought this was it, this is the girl I'm gonna marry. But then I notice another girl, she seemed to be even bette then the girl I was with. She was closer, hotter, more sofisticated and more intellegent then my current girl. So, like a kid who got bored of his toy tractor and moved on to the toy Ferrari, I left the girl I was with with a lame excuse that I wasn't good enough for her and some other crap I can't remember (yeah, what a douchhe huh?) and went to this other girl. So, now I thought I had experience in the whole boyfirend thing and was ready to be the best I could for this new girl. Unfortunatly for me, she wasn't who I thought she was and I found myself thrown out after 4 months. So now my heart had felt the first cut of rejection. It's like a papercut: small, but stings like a bitch. I have since forgiven and made ammends with this girl, but at the time I was hurt and confused. I didn't bother looking for a girlfriend for a while after that. When I thought the wound had healed sufficiently, I decided to let a girl I like know how I felt. Again, my heart felt the sting of rejection.

A few more of these rejections and I had almost lost hope. I was insecure and wounded. I felt like the world was out to get me and love was something just not meant for Ian. This was a stage in my life where I was moping a lot, ranting on my old blogs, emo-ing and generally being a self-pitying sobstory. Yeah, I was pretty pathetic back then.

So eventually after all the rejections I became very cynical. I just told myself to forget about people. People suck. Life sucks. Deal with it you soft, weepy, pussy. It helped, but only for a while. Then worship rally came around and I got my... wake up call from God, lets call it that. I started to realize that things weren't all about me and that I had to live with my life centred around something else. I was currently centred around being loved by other people, when I should have centred it around loving the One who first loved me, Jesus. I was woken up. I needed to be shaken and told to snap out of my emo-ing ways and to shape up for God. And I am currently trying to do that.

So about the sea thing, I guess it's like that song, "La Mer". The singer is singing about his love that is somewhere out there, somewhere where he can't quiet reach right now, but he knows that one day he'll find her. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I'm not sure where my love is or when I'll meet her, but one thing I know is that she's out there somewhere. I may or may not already know her, but she's out there and God has an amazing future planned for the two of us.

So for now, I'm like one half of a styrofoam box floating in the sea of life, waiting for that day when I find the other piece of me, and we can be one again :)

Somewhere beyond the sea
Somewhere waitin' for me
My lover stands on golden sand
And watches the ships that go sailin'

Somewhere beyond the sea
She's there watchin' for me
If I could fly like birds on high
Then straight to her arms I'd go sailin'

It's far beyond the star
It's near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon

We'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be, beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailin'

La Mer/ Somewhere Beyond the Sea - Frank Sinatra

Monday, January 12, 2009

A night to remember

I won't soon forget what happened yesterday night :)

The things that were said, the things I found out. I'm so grateful :)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Disappearing act...

Ever seen a magician make something disappear so completely that you wonder if it ever existed at all? He makes it look so simple, yet you know there's more to it then just that, more then just an illusion. The messed up thing is, people think that life works that way. That it's simple like that. But it's not. You can't just say "Abracadabra" and wave your hands and make everything disappear. People do it in their own lives and it's a good thing sometimes. I mean, the ability to instantly act as if you’re the happiest person in the world, like everything is rainbows and unicorn and puppy dogs must be awesome. Good for you.

But you can't wave a magic wand at someone else's life. What's so often forgotten is that people aren't appliances. You can't just turn on the guy's happiness by saying "Stop being emo. Be happy." And you certainly can’t nag him into being happy. It's easy to berate a person for being down. It is. It's really easy to lose patience with someone who won't take your advice, who persists in feeling sorry for themselves. It's so easy to go off on them. The thing is, that doesn't really help things, does it? In the end, they'll pretend to be happy. Just for you. Just to get you off their back, just to get everyone else off their back. But the problem isn't gone, is it? It’s just repressed and hidden, but it’s still there.

The hard part is sucking it in and saying, "No. I care about you. I love you. And I'm here in whatever capacity you need." Yeah, it's true that sometimes people need a good slap in the face. Sometimes they do need you to put it to them that "Hey, other people have it a lot worse than you." But if we're being honest with each other, how often is that? How often does berating a hurting person make them any happier? How often does nagging a person with an inferiority-complex make them feel any better about themselves? What people need, is solidarity. And something a lot of people don't get is, the people who draw away the most are usually the ones who need you the most. They’re the ones who you want to talk to the most, the ones you just wanna hear say,” Hey, I’m here for you. I got your back, I’ll help you get through this.” Maybe it’s a bit na├»ve to assume these people will actually know this, but the truth of the matter is this is how you feel.

I've known people to give up on another person because the other person drew away, because they "Wouldn't accept help." or "Didn't really want to feel better." Or “wanted to be emo.” Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG! What people don't see is that the strongest, most plaintive, most needy, most desperate cry for help is the silent one. The one where the person hides that part of themself from view behind layers of emotional masks, or "emoness." Think about it. A person who wants to commit suicide, they don't talk about doing it. They just do it. People who cut themselves don't tell you about it. They just do it. Why should it be any different? People who need you aren't going to say so. Sometimes, I doubt they even know it themselves. They just do. They need you fiercely.

Someone I know and respect once said, a smile covers the deepest hurts. See, what is hard to grasp for many, is that just because you haven't been through the worst situations in the world, just because your experiences aren't as bad as that other person's, doesn't mean your wounds are any less deep.

I want the people I care about, the people I LOVE, to be happy. That’s who I am and that’s who I’m gonna be for the rest of my life. The thing is, that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's easy to over-romanticize the process. It would be easy to say something like "I give and give and give, but they don’t appreciate me…" But that's not the point. The point is: I don't have a me.

I remember telling someone once, “I miss having someone who cares for me. Someone who will call me up randomly during the day and just say, hey Ian, I love you and I think you’re awesome.” Thing is, I try to do that to my friends. I’ll tell them without hesitation how much they mean to me and how much I love them and want only the best for them. Maybe they don’t wanna hear it from me in particular, that’s fine, but when the chips are down and their backs are to the wall, I will never leave them to suffer alone. I’ll be there to make them laugh when they feel like crying, and to feel loved when they feel betrayed or hurt. To listen to all the sob stories and comfort them to the best of my abilities.

And when my time comes? Who do I got? I've got people who are busy. People who are tired. People who can't stand my “emoness”. People who are hurting just like I am. People who don't care. People who can't be there. People who jump in with advice before I need it. I'm not complaining. Really. I love my friends. I love them. I would swim the oceans for them. I'd give my life thrice over, move heaven and earth to be there for them.

Honestly, I’m not an emo person, I’m actually pretty happy-go-lucky. Thing is "Some hurts go to deep, some wounds just won't heal." It's not something you carry around, it's not something you can throw away. It's something that's on you. IN you. Like a cut that you keep rubbing salt into. No matter how much you try to cover it up, no matter how much you want to move on and be happy, no matter how much you give of yourself, you can’t escape that feeling of emptiness that eats away at you when things are sucky and bollocksed up.

I have learned to tell God of my hurts and pains. Of my sorrow and sadness. Of my emptiness. I ask Him to come and fill it with His love. He does, and I know that people say He’s all that you need, but why would He put other people into our lives if He is all we need? What’s the point of having friends if you’re the only one who gives of yourself?

Think about it the next time someone asks if you’re free to talk or if you can listen to their problems. We aren’t all made for listening, but it doesn’t hurt to try? Believe me, your friends will appreciate it.

As for me, I want this hurt to leave

I want to be free

I want it to


Suppose that I missed you
Suppose that I cared.
And suppose that I've spent all my nights running scared
And suppose that I was never there.

And my eyes are screaming for the sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you.
So I guess I feel lonely, too.

Secondhand Serenade - Suppose

Credit to my awesome friend Jared Locke for the inspiration for this post and A LOT of the insight. You rock dude!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year, New Challenges

Aight y'all, a new year is here!

Well, I spent my New Year with Mark, Daniel, Timothy, Ka Weng, Sean, Matthias, Eunice and Christine. We bunked out at Mark's apartment and had a barbecue. I brought my Wii and we all took turns playing various games, mostly Wii sports though. It was pretty fun la, had communion and testimonies for 2008 and prayed together.

This new year 2009 holds a lot of mysteries for me. What does God have in store for me? Who will I meet? How will my resolve and strength be tested? Lots of uncertainties.

I'll be going on Dulous later on this year, in March. I hope that I will be able to grow closer to God through this trip. I hope I'll be able to learn things from the people I meet and become a more stable and self-strong person.

I have been rather insecure in the past. I have not had many friends because I was home schooled. This has caused me to treasure the ones I do have very much. Unfortunately it also causes me to become jealous when I see them favoring others a lot and ignoring me. But lately I have become more secure in myself. I no longer feel the need to be needed. I no longer need to have people ask me to do things with them. I can hold out on my own. I believe that this is a sign of maturity and of the awareness that people are just people, they fail.

But I also have learned that certain people need others to comfort them and help them through. I have learned that having close friends helps to take the pain away from certain situations and circumstances. Thanks you guys, you know who you are ;-)


A new year

A new start

A new me