Disappearing act...

Ever seen a magician make something disappear so completely that you wonder if it ever existed at all? He makes it look so simple, yet you know there's more to it then just that, more then just an illusion. The messed up thing is, people think that life works that way. That it's simple like that. But it's not. You can't just say "Abracadabra" and wave your hands and make everything disappear. People do it in their own lives and it's a good thing sometimes. I mean, the ability to instantly act as if you’re the happiest person in the world, like everything is rainbows and unicorn and puppy dogs must be awesome. Good for you.

But you can't wave a magic wand at someone else's life. What's so often forgotten is that people aren't appliances. You can't just turn on the guy's happiness by saying "Stop being emo. Be happy." And you certainly can’t nag him into being happy. It's easy to berate a person for being down. It is. It's really easy to lose patience with someone who won't take your advice, who persists in feeling sorry for themselves. It's so easy to go off on them. The thing is, that doesn't really help things, does it? In the end, they'll pretend to be happy. Just for you. Just to get you off their back, just to get everyone else off their back. But the problem isn't gone, is it? It’s just repressed and hidden, but it’s still there.

The hard part is sucking it in and saying, "No. I care about you. I love you. And I'm here in whatever capacity you need." Yeah, it's true that sometimes people need a good slap in the face. Sometimes they do need you to put it to them that "Hey, other people have it a lot worse than you." But if we're being honest with each other, how often is that? How often does berating a hurting person make them any happier? How often does nagging a person with an inferiority-complex make them feel any better about themselves? What people need, is solidarity. And something a lot of people don't get is, the people who draw away the most are usually the ones who need you the most. They’re the ones who you want to talk to the most, the ones you just wanna hear say,” Hey, I’m here for you. I got your back, I’ll help you get through this.” Maybe it’s a bit naïve to assume these people will actually know this, but the truth of the matter is this is how you feel.

I've known people to give up on another person because the other person drew away, because they "Wouldn't accept help." or "Didn't really want to feel better." Or “wanted to be emo.” Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG! What people don't see is that the strongest, most plaintive, most needy, most desperate cry for help is the silent one. The one where the person hides that part of themself from view behind layers of emotional masks, or "emoness." Think about it. A person who wants to commit suicide, they don't talk about doing it. They just do it. People who cut themselves don't tell you about it. They just do it. Why should it be any different? People who need you aren't going to say so. Sometimes, I doubt they even know it themselves. They just do. They need you fiercely.

Someone I know and respect once said, a smile covers the deepest hurts. See, what is hard to grasp for many, is that just because you haven't been through the worst situations in the world, just because your experiences aren't as bad as that other person's, doesn't mean your wounds are any less deep.

I want the people I care about, the people I LOVE, to be happy. That’s who I am and that’s who I’m gonna be for the rest of my life. The thing is, that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's easy to over-romanticize the process. It would be easy to say something like "I give and give and give, but they don’t appreciate me…" But that's not the point. The point is: I don't have a me.

I remember telling someone once, “I miss having someone who cares for me. Someone who will call me up randomly during the day and just say, hey Ian, I love you and I think you’re awesome.” Thing is, I try to do that to my friends. I’ll tell them without hesitation how much they mean to me and how much I love them and want only the best for them. Maybe they don’t wanna hear it from me in particular, that’s fine, but when the chips are down and their backs are to the wall, I will never leave them to suffer alone. I’ll be there to make them laugh when they feel like crying, and to feel loved when they feel betrayed or hurt. To listen to all the sob stories and comfort them to the best of my abilities.

And when my time comes? Who do I got? I've got people who are busy. People who are tired. People who can't stand my “emoness”. People who are hurting just like I am. People who don't care. People who can't be there. People who jump in with advice before I need it. I'm not complaining. Really. I love my friends. I love them. I would swim the oceans for them. I'd give my life thrice over, move heaven and earth to be there for them.

Honestly, I’m not an emo person, I’m actually pretty happy-go-lucky. Thing is "Some hurts go to deep, some wounds just won't heal." It's not something you carry around, it's not something you can throw away. It's something that's on you. IN you. Like a cut that you keep rubbing salt into. No matter how much you try to cover it up, no matter how much you want to move on and be happy, no matter how much you give of yourself, you can’t escape that feeling of emptiness that eats away at you when things are sucky and bollocksed up.

I have learned to tell God of my hurts and pains. Of my sorrow and sadness. Of my emptiness. I ask Him to come and fill it with His love. He does, and I know that people say He’s all that you need, but why would He put other people into our lives if He is all we need? What’s the point of having friends if you’re the only one who gives of yourself?

Think about it the next time someone asks if you’re free to talk or if you can listen to their problems. We aren’t all made for listening, but it doesn’t hurt to try? Believe me, your friends will appreciate it.

As for me, I want this hurt to leave

I want to be free

I want it to

DISAPPEAR…

Suppose that I missed you
Suppose that I cared.
And suppose that I've spent all my nights running scared
And suppose that I was never there.

And my eyes are screaming for the sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you.
So I guess I feel lonely, too.

Secondhand Serenade - Suppose

Credit to my awesome friend Jared Locke for the inspiration for this post and A LOT of the insight. You rock dude!